While the reason behind their hiding remains unclear, the scrolls turned up in Chula Vista,
California, in 1946, and their cuniform characters were translated to modern English by a handfull of exceptionally bright primates in the San Diego Zoo. As quoted in Bobba 4:14, "opposable thumbs are Kruncha's way of telling us that it is okay to hold on to things." Well they work for typing translations, too!

The first printed version of The Book of Bobba appeared in Istanbul in 1958, during Ramadan.
Two months later, the printers "Hadj and Sons" were quickly hanged for treason, and the ensuing confusion led to the texts becoming lost once again. Jimgnosticism was in danger of falling into obscurity. However, an unknown man, who only refers to himself now as "NowareMan 9" recovered the scrolls from a witch (whose name was Hazel, oddly) and remains the primary prophet of Jimgnosticism to this day.

The author of The Book of Bobba is unknown. Many scholars agree, with pomp and bluster, that
authorship is most readily attributed to Joe Bob, the thirteenth disciple of the Platinum Wombat,
shortly after the savior's death. Other experts theorize that the book is a crude list of sermons and
sayings compiled by Witch Hazel herself.

Why the scrolls bore the name of "Bobba" is yet another mystery. Some claim it an error in
translation, while others say that "Bobba" was an affectionate term used by the Platinum Wombat
himself when addressing his diminuative disciple. (Joe Bob, while great in spirit, was said to be
shorter than a very short man.)

However dubious the authenticity of these scriptures, the wisdom of the words speak for themselves. Hundreds of thousands of converts to Jimgnosticism claim that "a peace that passes the gas of understanding" comes over them whenever they read ...

The Book of Bobba.
__________________________________________________________________

Chapter One

the big picture ...

1 These words, written in haste whilst being chased by marauding heathens, shall document the
life of the Platinum Wombat, sent to this earth by the Great Kruncha, 2 whereupon seeing the
squalor and filth that is this place, soon thereafter arranged to have himself killed so he could
return to the Great Kruncha and leave us under the tutelage of STUMP, his holy lackey.
3 The savior of all mankind is he. 4 The Platinum Wombat, born of humble origins, brought forth
sweeping change to all mankind, as if a pebble hath been dropped into a great pool of sewage. 5
Verily, the ripple that stinketh here, stinketh also there.

of beginnings ...

I cannot pronounceth the name of his Mother, but other women in her village did claim her to be quite the trollop. 6 Yet whilst he lived, no man said such things of the Platinum Wombat's mother, lest he bloody their profane pugs.

7 Of His childhood, the Wombat said little. However, during his sermon on the heap, he later said
8 "Oh ye who know not that 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star' and 'The ABC Song' useth the same tune, how can thee tyeth thy sandals in the morning? Yeah, unless thee learneth like a child, you shall never knoweth my secrets."

9 And a man named Nicodemus said, "How canst I becometh a child unless I crawl back into my mother's womb?" 10 The Wombat straight away smoteth Nicodemus. 11 Hard. 12 And he saith, "There are children present. But thy words have opened up the door ... as the proverbial Pandora's Box ... with words that shall one day become illegal to use in broadcast medium."

13 A murmer passed throught the crowd, for they kneweth not of what he spoke. 14 "Verily verily I saith unto you," began the Wombat, shouting over the murmering. "When thou murmurest, are thee not being so uncreative that thee cannot but repeat the same syllable twice?" 15 Then the Wombat regaineth his train of thought. 16 "A child does not know that the sun will riseth, yet each morning the sun riseth to greet him. 17 Does the sun riseth only through his understanding? Nay, for the ways of the Great Kruncha are mysterious, and he works whether ye understand, 18 or 19 whether ye think his ways are a result of some other, sillier and stupider god. 20 So ye would be wise gain understanding, but if you cannot attain my higher concepts, just understand ye that they work, 21 and in place of understanding, find FEAR. For fearing the Great Kruncha shall be thy only hope for survival. 22 Thus saith moi."

of hushes ...

23 And a great hush fell over the crowd. So great was this hush that it rang the ears of the Jordanians, the Samaritans, and the cornfields of Kansas.

of jingoism..

24 A man, who stoodeth among the people but was from a foreign country, then spoke. "But your worship," saith he. "How can I have faith in what I do not understand?" 25 The Wombat then fixeth his powerful stare upon the man. "You understand nothing. I can telleth by the question. You do not know from whence the wind blows. Know ye therefore whither it goeth? 26 Do ye not know that next month our country shall declare war on your country and ye and all like ye shall be taken from your homes late at night and be killed through bludgeoning with the long, stale breads from thine own kitchen? Nay. Ye know this not. For if ye knew this, ye would be at home, right now, wrapping thy breads in moist cloths, and wrapping thy head with padding."

27 At the Wombat's words, the strange man scurrieth home and stopped asking questions. 28 "But what is inevitable," continued the Wombat, "shall happen. 29 If it cometh not to pass, then it was never inevitable, whether ye thought it was or not. 30 Tomorrow's bread shall come from tomorrow's yeast. Know ye why the yeast makes the bread riseth? Nay, yet ye still soweth the grain and eateth the bread. Ye hath faith in the yeast that maketh the bread rise. 31 Yet I forget ... ye still call yeast "leaven." That is how stupid ye still are. 32 Go now and fill thy stupid mouths with the bread ye do not understand. I have appointments with important people.

Chapter 2

of blessings ...

1 And the Wombat did bid his adieu from them. Likewise the people went about their business and forgot all about what he saith. 2 But after 30 days passed, the Wombat returned unto them and travelled among the poor. 3 He saith to them. "And it shall come to pass that ye shalt awaken one day to find that ye are no longer on the bottom of the heap. Ye shall no longer spend thy days in squalor -- writing poetry and dreaming good dreams. 4 For lo, when thou climbest, thou shalt be showered with many good things. 5 Namely dollars.

6 And when the Wombat showereth thee with dollars, thou shalt lay them on the altar -- a sacrifice
to consumerism. Thy sowing shalt cause thee to reap the fruits of thy bounty. 7 Thou shalt reap new shirts, so that thou can looketh like the rest of thy co-workers;
Thou shalt also reap pants, so that thou haveth not stains;
Thou shalt reap belts, so that thine unstained pants shalt not falleth to the floor;
Thou shalt reap adornments for thine own neck, but thou shouldst mindeth that ye not strangleth
thyself with them;
Thy feet shall be shod with shoes of leather goodness, which thou shalt also reap, that thy way may be seen as profitable in the eyes of the laborour in the cubicle next to thee.
8 And thou shalt appeareth before thine enemies without spot or wrinkle. So reapeth also an iron.
9 Reapeth also for thyself a new automobile, lest thee be cast by the wayside during the morning
rush hour.
10 And into thine new automobile, thou shalt place many earthen vessels of gasoline. This thou
shalt reapeth with the fruits of thy bounty also.
11 And also with thy bounty, thou shalt procure thine own insurance, in order that thou shalt be a
good steward of the riches and bounty which the Wombat hath blessed thee with.

of the greatest of blessings ...

12 And still another part of thy bounty, which thou thinkest thou shalt also reap, thou shalt in fact
*not* reap. Be ye not deceived, for the Wombat hath loosed upon this earth a mighty creature
whom thou knowest as Uncle Sam. This beast, which the Wombat saith that *he* claimeth
responsibility for, shall eat thine firstborn fruits. Three-tenths -- and yea MORE than three-tenths --
shalt thou render unto this great beast. And this beast shall hungrily devour and provide thee with
little to nothing in return but mighty speeches, foul stenches, and loud roaring -- especially during
election years.

13 And after thee reapeth these things, thou shalt make an accounting of the remainder of thy bounty: a. Ye looketh good. b. Ye driveth in style. c. Ye need not fear the wrath of liability or
medical traumas not exceeding $15,000 in cost. d. Ye spendeth many hours gaining these things,
so ye are not so bored. And thou needeth not write poetry any longer. e. Thy ex-wife shall dress
herself and thine own children in fine raiment as well. Yea, finer than thine own. f. Ye shall
procure for thyself a hot babe in no time. For she shalt have lust after thy stylish clothing and slick wheels. 14 Ye are so far evolved from the man ye used to be. 15 And if ye hearkeneth not to the Great Platinum Wombat, and thanketh him not, he shall taketh it all away.

16 And ye shall panick.

Chapter 3

of vermin ...

1 "And lo, after the Great Krunchas blessing, thou shalt find thyself in competition with vermin. 2 For Kruncha blesseth vermin and non-vermin alike. 3 Verily, thine own blessing hath been measured in thy many procurements, of which we hath already spake. 4 So doubteth not that thou art doubly -- blessed.

5 But still this issue of vermin shall arise. And thou 6 shalt be faced with questions. 7 Thou shalt ask of thyself, "If I compete with vermin, am I more than a vermin? Nay. For by competing I declareth myself worthy of comparison. 8 And secondly, if I lose this competition, am I not less than a vermin? 9 Verily I am, for I wilt have been trampled upon by a vermin. 10 Should I chose to not compete, thus ensuring that I thinketh not and walketh not and squatteth not like a vermin? 11 Nay, for if I competeth not, mine own defeat shall be ensured, and also, 12 what if I winneth the competition? 13 I shalt be the biggest vermin, and shalt be the envy of all vermin!"

14 So, it shall come to pass that thou competeth with the vermin. 15 And in thine efforts, thou shalt feel that time hath stopped. 16 For though vermin can be fun to compete with, when thou eateth, thinketh, worketh, talketh, walketh, and squatteth like a vermin, thou shalt also (alas) feel like a vermin. 17 Each day thou shalt rise with the sun and drive a great distance to do the same boring thing in the same cubicle. 18 But fear not! 19 For Kruncha shall provide for thee a sign that time hath not stopped.

of the holy cat ...

20 And the sign that Kruncha will provide shall take the form of a dead cat along side the way that thou travelleth each day. 21 Each day thou shalt see the holy dead cat -- which shall one day be puffy, and the next day be flat, and the next day be flatter still. 22 And thou shalt regard the varying degrees of decomposition of this holy cat, 23 and thou shalt be assured that time hath not stopped. 24 And that though thou dost not have a life, thou in fact liveth.

Chapter the fourth*

Of poor decisions ...

1 And it may happen whilst thou walketh among the rats during their feeding time, that out 2 from among the narrow space between the tall buildings 3 a man shall emerge. 4 I would fain to warn thee of this man, but it would be of little use, 5 since in thy skull there are few thoughts beyond those of boobies and food. 6 But yea, I am thy God, and therefore I must warn you of he who emergeth 7 from the narrow space between the tall buildings. 8 Verily, he shall hold before you wonders that ye shall want to purchase with thy blessing. 9 These wonders shall be shrink-wrapped in boxes that look as if they were just heisted from the store shelves. 10 And thou shalt look at the man who emergeth and think to thyself that the wonders he holds are stolen, for surely this man hath not the blessing to buy shoe polish, and no man would be so foolish as to purchase a handicam before he buyeth shoe polish. 11 And ye shall say, "Alas my emerging friend, but I cannot purchase thy wonders for surely they are filthy lucre." 12 But he shall say "no they're not" 13 and that shalt be good enough for thee. 14 For thy mind is rendered useless by the sight of worldly wonders.15 And of all the bountiful array of choices that lay before thee in this situation, thou shalt choose the least intelligent from among them.

16 And it shall come to pass that thou shalt pay the man 17 who emergeth from between the tall buildings 18 $60 for his wondrous handicam, 19 still in the box, 20 still shrink-wrapped. 21 And it shall also come to pass that as thou maketh thy way back to thy car, thou shalt laugh in the face of God, 22 who would be me, 23 and use swear words in thine own mind, thinking that thou hast finally learned to run with the wolves.

24 But, my wayfaring son, it is I who laugheth, 25 for when thou gettest to thine car, thou shalt open the trunk, 26 and use thine own car keys to break the wrap that has been so professionally shrunketh to bind thy purchase. 27 And when thou shalt open thy booty, thou shalt find therein two bricks wrapped in newspaper.

28 So you see, my son, 29 thou art stupid, 30 and thou shouldst admit it. 31 Cast off the facade of thine own brilliance, 32 for thine own brilliance is but shrink-wrapping around a brick. 33 And that brick would be thine own brain, which should continue focusing on boobies and food. 34 For I am thy God, and thou needest me. 35 Now give me your money and I shall protect you from men who emergeth from between the tall buildings and all like him. 36 I shall scatter his entrails to the four winds, and you shall live in prosperity and feed on his pancreas.