Dear Mr. President,

I want to party with you!

I just watched your nomination speech -- what a zinger! Awesome job! I was so excited afterward that I wrote a note to my Republican neighbors that said, "This man is the new father of our country!" Then I threw it through their bedroom window! Ha! That showed them.

Secondly, you made the front page of the Times again! Even though the headline was about Gore's speech. But I'm glad they put your picture, because your speech was better, and Gore hasn't had enough good training on how to move his hands when he talks. He STILL looks stiff -- even after four years' practice. I'd consider dropping him if I were you. If you wanted to consider me as your VEEP, you should know that I'm a very good typist.

Anyway -- back to your speech. You successfully delivered 23 points without a single devastating flub-up! However, you need to give your camera crew a little pep talk, and here's why:

· I saw one man in the audience who's head was the size of a sack of beans! We don't want to see that! It destroys the illusion that you and your followers are intelligent visionaries!

· How did you get that scar on your nose? Did you upset Hillary or something? Stop it! You need her!

· I saw a woman looking at her watch and yawning. Maybe she was Dick Morris's "friend." Maybe not, but she was rude.

· I saw a woman nearly choke to death on a piece of confetti. That stuff is dangerous! I recommend you start legislation to outlaw fatal confetti. Call it "The Clinton Confetti Bill." Alliteration always sounds good. There are other things you can throw around frivolously for no apparent reason that won't kill people. Like herbivores. Herbivores don't kill people. Shrew's are the smallest herbivores, I think. Look into them. But don't drop buffaloes. Even though you hate them. Falling buffaloes would bruise people at the very least. It would be fun to see, though.

But anyway, YOU were fantastic! So prim and polished! This is a far cry from the man who, a few short weeks ago, was at a museum and said he was so attracted to a MUMMY that he wanted to go OUT with her! Like I said earlier, Mr. President, I want to party with you! Don't hold back on your urges. We're all just apes when it comes right down to it -- and YOU sir, are the President of the Apes!

OH! By the way! Good news! I got a job! And I wish I had told you a few days ago -- the story would have warmed the cockles of America's heart in your speech. By the way -- what's a cockle? Hmmm.

Another thing. Last week I wrote you a letter and accidentally said you were born 50 years ago "in 1936". Wow, am I glad I'm a writer and not a mathematician! 1936 was 60 years ago! You know who told me? My friend Debbie!!! You have some smart people voting for you Mr. President!!!

Regarding this Dick Morris business, you were very wise not to mention him in your speech. The media is making such a huge deal of it. We're all just apes, right? Just because your top political advisor was allegedly on the phone with you -- in his bathrobe and slippers, no doubt -- while his prostitute girlfriend was listening in on the other line DOESN'T constitute a national emergency! Unless she was also sleeping with Dole or Kemp. That would be bad ... if she were on Doles' dole.

Besides, with your recent decision about phone-tapping, you'd best not bring up this phon thing. Although you could say, "You know, I've had my phone conversations listened to and it's no big deal." That would shut up those Civil Libertarians quick-like!

I have a campaign slogan idea for you! I'll give you this one free, but if you want any more, you'll have to hire me as Dick Morris's replacement. Are you ready? Here it is:

CLINTON FOR PRESIDENT

DOLE FOR PINEAPPLE

Think about it -- and again,

GOOD JOB!

KILL THE ANGER! CLINTON IN `96!

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