Dear Mr. President Bill Sir,

Today I was looking for a story about you in the L.A. Times, and I had to go all the way back to page A-18! Section A is the first section, but you probably knew that. That Dan Quayle guy, who you replaced, might not have known that.

I have a feeling that you didn't show up until page A-18 because you took yesterday off. Happy 4th of July! It's amazing ... when the President takes the day off, nothing happens in this country!

I spent most of the day yesterday looking for a job. Do you know how hard it is to look for a job when most businesses are closed? Because of this, I got a great idea that just might win you the election! You should add a plank in the Democratic platform to CANCEL INDEPENDANCE DAY!

Now, before you immediately react, I'll show you 6 good reasons why you should do this. Trust me, Bill Sir, if you add this idea to your campaign you will get even more respect and credibility than you already have!

Six Reasons Why I Promise to Cancel Independance Day
By the Honorable President Bill Clinton

Reason 1
Respect for Unemployed Citizens

I am dedicated to lowering unemployment, and by adding one more work day to the year, we will create 15 million more jobs. (That number is an approximation, Mr. President, but I'm sure if you say it, it will come true!)

Reason 2
Environmental Issues

Everyone knows that when a firecracker blows up, it leaves hundreds of tiny shards of colored paper. Each one of those shards contribute to an already over-littered country. Plus, let's talk about all the smoke from silly fireworks and forest fires!

Reason 3
Competition in the Global Marketplace

No other country celebrates Independance Day. While we are barbequeing chicken, other countries are working hard to gain a foothold in the ever-competitive global marketplace. We can't let them beat us! We have to get our American butts out there and work work work!

Reason 4
Independance Day is not Politically Correct

We've been celebrating our defeat of the British for 220 years. The British have been our friends for a long long time, so I think it's time we shake hands with the British and get over it. I'm sure they would appreciate it if we stopped rubbing their noses in their defeat -- let's move on to brighter topics!

Reason 5
Hollywood Shouldn't Capitalize on American Holidays

Hollywood has just released a blockbuster hit called "Independance Day" and made money hand over fist on this age-old American tradition. Is nothing sacred? With God as my witness, if Hollywood makes a movie called "Christmas" ... I'll take away Christmas too! Now stop it!

Reason 6
Bonus Day!

My mother always taught me never to take something away without giving something back. So here's the good news, folks. We will still have July 4th. We just won't celebrate anything on that day. And I also promise that I will do everything in my power to get congress to add an additional day to July if I am elected. And since July already has 31 days, I'm going to propose that we add "July 4-B" ... or maybe "July 3 1/2" ... and we will call it "Bill Clinton Day." But I'd like to admonish all of you to not celebrate anything on that day. Just go to work and make a buck!

(Hi Mr. President ... it's `me again.)

So whattaya think? Can you see the logic there now? I, for one will be personally grateful if you do this for me. And if you do, I promise to vote for you.

Regards,

Jim

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