Subj: Hail Clinton!
Date: 07/27/96
To: president@whitehouse.gov

Dear Mr. President,

I didn't know you were in Los Angeles again! Next time BE SURE TO CALL -- you'll always have a place to stay when you're in Southern California. Even if you lose the election, okay? I'm serious.

I read about you in an article in the Los Angeles Times entitled "Anti-truancy Law Hailed by Clinton." (Page A-3 ... cowabunga!) Apparently the schools in Monrovia are making their students wear uniforms and truancy has dropped! You were SO RIGHT to applaud this. Our youth lack vision! There's too much emphasis placed on individuality and originality. This causes contention and even violence! Plus, history has shown that a government CAN instill vision and unity into a broken generation.

What do the uniforms look like, anyway? You should think about red scarves if you aren't using them already. Those look snappy! I can see it now: a parade of happy, unified, red-scarf-wearing schoolchildren marching before proud parents. Call them "Clinton Youth" if you want. Give their vision an added boost!

But that's where the article took a sour turn. The writer -- some guy named "Paul Richter" -- started talking about something COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. And I think he was trying to slip some criticism by the editor (your best friend), Shelby Coffee the third.

Suddenly, the article started talking about how you went out to dinner with a millionaire while in Monrovia. (By the way, don't get confused, I live in MONTROSE, not MONROVIA.) Richter made it look like you were "a man of the little people" during the day, and "a money-grubbing campaigner" at night. This man does not know and love you like I do, Mr. President!

However, I wouldn't give Mr. Richter that chance again. Next time you're in L.A., go out to dinner with ME! I'm not a millionaire, in fact, I'm not even employed! Imagine how THAT would measure on the "Richter Scale."

By the way, if we do have dinner, I'll buy. But only if you promise to appoint me to some commission or something.

And what's wrong with getting a campaign contribution anyway? After all, that ol' pen-grabber Dole got a pile of money from butchers, bakers, and cancer-stick makers. And he even QUIT HIS JOB to focus on his campaign against you. Don't forget that you can do that too, Mr. President. If things get bad, just quit your job to focus on your compaign. What's Dole going to say? He did it too!

Anyway .... THEN the article took ANOTHER turn! I think this Richter guy needs writing lessons. Suddenly, he started talking about dead-beat dads. Apparently, you are planning to start posting their pictures in public places. HAIL HAIL! Great idea! If you can't enforce the law, then use public shame and humiliation to your benefit! It worked for Calvin, it can work for you. And you were quoted as comparing dead beat dads to other kinds of felons by saying "they're not as bad as somebody who's robbed our children. That's the biggest robbery of all!" (I added the exclamation point to the quote, Mr. President. I hope you don't mind. It's my favorite punctuation mark.) !!

You were ONCE AGAIN right on the money here. After all -- the government takes about 25% of everybody's money, so if dead-beat dads take even more -- there'll be nothing left! And who should stop them? The people with all the money, of course: THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT. And it's even better that you're SAVING that money by using shame and humiliation instead of the courts! You're making the system work like a charm. I think we should pay even more taxes to you so you can stop all this confounded robbery.

In summary:

School Uniforms: HAIL HAIL!
Millionaire Dinners: Next time, I'll buy.
Shame and humiliation: Hallelujah!

Regards,

Jim Etchison

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