To: president@whitehouse.gov
from: jimwriter9@aol.com
re: A Little Advice For the Big Guy ...

Dear Mr. President, Bill, Sir,

What on earth is going on? You weren't in the L.A. Times AT ALL today! Did you sleep in yesterday or something? Come on! These journalists LIKE YOU! It's not like your Dick Nixon or something! You don't have to do much to get into the papers -- you're the President! Are you forgetting that this is an election year? People need to remember who you are this November, and if you're sleeping in, they might end up voting for that sour-faced pen-grabber Dole!

First of all, let me say that I'm helping you get more publicity by publishing some of my e-mails to you in a newspaper in Hico, Texas. Plus, I'm putting them on my web page, where the entire world can read it! Let's hear it for free speech! But anyway ... I'm doing my part, Mr. President -- you should do yours!

I realize that it would be exhausting to hold a press conference every day in order to get in the papers, but remember, you are -- without a doubt -- the most powerful man in the world! You're not a hick from Arkansas anymore. Stop thinking small!

In light of this problem of yours, I've prepared a list of things you can do to make sure you get into the papers every day. Maybe you can have Al Gore type them up on a little pocket-sized card for you.

10 Little Things that I (Bill Clinton) Can Do to Get In The Press Every Day.

Thing 1
Use a swear word.

This worked great for Harry Truman! The American people loved him! When a reporter asks you something as you are getting into your helicopter, say something like "What? I can't hear you -- the chopper is too <censored> loud!" See how easy that would be?

Thing 2
Start Carrying a Gun.

Blame crime. Blame the Republicans. And the good news is that if you apply today, then you'll only have to wait five days to use this great gimmick!

Thing 3
Declare Every Day Independence Day.

Piggy-back marketing from the movie! Every time someone sees a commercial for the movie, they will think of you! This works!

Thing 4
Grope Hillary in Public.

I think it would do your image good if the country saw that there is still passion in your marriage. Don't be shy.

Thing 5
Become an Olympic Contender.

I know this sound like a "little thing" ... but I have a way around this. Since you are the President of the USA, and since the Olympics are to be held in the USA, I think you should just create a new event. That way you'll be no less trained than any of the other contenders! My recommendations: Bowling, Coon Hunting, or Whitewater Rafting. (Check out the Whitewater thing with your Press Secretary first. It could be good -- or it could be bad.)

Thing 6
Get a tattoo.

To throw them off! Get a tattoo of an Elephant! Imagine the press!

Thing 7
Join the band "Smashing Pumpkins".

I heard they just lost a member, and you play saxophone! This will help you with the young vote. Plus, it will help the band's image too! Two birds with one stone!

Well ... that's all I can think of. But frankly I think I should get paid for these kinds of ideas anyway, so you only get seven. If things get really bad, though, I'll give you more!

Regards,

Jim Etchison.

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